I’m not a misogynist. Whatever happens, I’m proud of my sexuality. I’m sapiosexual; and I engage more in a mental stimulation. Please, I’m not ashamed of it. Show no pity. I’m in love with my brain. Last night, I was having a makeup sex with my mind. Because of how long we missed each other – the foreplay, the smooching, the romantic whispers (silence of the soul) – as quickly as I touched the sensitive spot of my mind (the grey matter), through deep thoughts, it released in orgasmic moaning; “Say ‘goodbye to Angelina.’ “I knew that something was not just bad, something was really BAD.
“Angelina?” I asked in shock of the level of infidelity my brain could accuse me of, not minding my own feelings. If I really had one. I pushed it away. A little bit pretentious, maybe. It looked me in the face and smiled, and began to reveal this to me.
All about Angelina
If you are Angelina, I’m sorry. Wait, don’t smile yet because this apology is from the bottom of my heart, and it smells. Of course, what do you expect from a bottom?
Yes, a messenger. That’s Angelina. Angelina’s message started from the Garden of Eden, and made wide open the gateways for everlasting human struggles. The Garden of Eden was quiet until one of the fruits ripe. If not for the fruit and Angelina, cat and dog would have been friends.
The problems of mankind are the fruits from the seeds sown by Angelina, the so called “weaker vessel.” I knew she invented those words. She controls the cookies. How can the cookies controller be weak? Damn it!
Men have been buried alive in the arms of dangerous women, yes, the weaker vessels, I guess. Gosh! Don’t get it all wrong, I have sisters, and my mother is a woman. Wow! I have a very kind, humble lady in my life. Meaning? I don’t hate women. Fia! I hate Angelina. Well, do you know what? Follow me.
Check out if you have Angelina around you
How do you know Angelina when you see her?
- She believes that any act of favour from a man is all about sex: this is manipulative. “All a guy wants is sex.” Shut up you fool! You don’t have feelings, abi? You don’t like it? Egyptian mummy. The pleasure of sex, if there is any, is 50:50, you don’t do guys a favour, and I know you enjoy it, even more. So, shut the crap up! How can you pass an instant judgement on a guy with the purest intentions because of your manipulative brain? That’s why I find it difficult helping ladies because they conclude “it’s because I’m a woman.” Who told you that you are a woman? You are a man, nigga. “God made man in His own image;” which includes you. So keep quiet dude.
- She fakes tears: more especially the pretty ones. The worst mistake a guy will make is to date a girl who is pretty, and she knows she is, and she acts it. She will use her beauty to manipulate you. Small thing, she will manufacture fake tears from her small skull. This is no more a crocodile’s tears; this is a dragon’s tears. Haba! A man can’t stand a pretty face crying. Come on! The guy has to do something. Look, she will mumble; “You don’t know how to pamper a lady.” And tears drop. Choi! And that’s how she rules your world. This is Angelina.
- She smartly Pokes a hole in a condom: damn it! This is serious, more especially when you are “having.” You don’t get it, right? Ok, when your whole body is shaking on a bed as if being blown by the New York Sandy, and your mind whisked away by the intended pleasure, blind like Tom in Jerry’s trap; you won’t know when Angelina pokes a hole in the condom. Few weeks later, “baby I’m pregnant,” and your eyes will pop out like, “are you serious?” No she is joking, it’s ‘a night of a thousand laughter’, but not if you don’t give her money for the abortion, then you will know you are in for Jerry Springer Show. Hell lots of money. Some fake pregnancies to extort money for abortion, guys must drop. In her mind, you are not a husband material. This is Angelina.
- Watch out for “wonder” obedience and submission: every act of obedience or submission from any woman is equivalent to the responsibilities the man shoulders, more of financial and sexual responsibilities. To know a genuine one, withdraw from every benefit she enjoys for a reasonable time and watch out the drama. The obedience, the respect will drop. Guy, this is Angelina.
- Beware of pet names: when a lady begins to pet you, “baby”, first, smile from the bottom of your heart and watch out. She needs something. I remember one ugly cousin of mine; he suffered in the hand of Angelina. “Hello handsome”, the guy’s head would swell like cobra, bam! Notes would start raising heads from his pocket. They know men love to be praised; it’s immunity to our ego.
- Nagging Like a nigga: this is another manipulation from Angelina. When she thinks she is not getting anything or as much as she wishes, everything about you itches her. She will resort a comparison technique between you and your friends on how they take care of their girls more than you do. Your happiness is distorted. What do you do? You have to find happiness. How? Grant her wishes. This is Angelina.
- Avoidance, well, call it withdrawal: she becomes moody and goes with complaints. How you are not man enough. How you have suddenly changed. How she suspects you are having affairs outside. She knows you are innocent. This is a strategy to weaken your conscience through unknown guilt. Beware of Angelina.
To end this now, I will humbly admit that I once had Angelina. All of the above she did to me but poking the condom. The thing I hated most about my Angelina was calling me “baby.” Why? She expected me to act like a baby, she, the mother. How could a girl whom I was old enough to be her father be calling me “baby?” How romantic is this insult? I endured until the end where I knew what to say; “goodbye Angelina.”
By Chukwuezue Nnabuike